


If the Fates Allow

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 15:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine is feeling a lot of things. He adds cold to the list.</p>
<p>canonical, set just after 4x10 ("Glee, Actually"), no spoilers beyond</p>
            </blockquote>





	If the Fates Allow

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Deutsch available: [If The Fates Allow -- Wenn Die Schicksalsgöttinnen Es Zulassen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6613621) by [Klaineship](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klaineship/pseuds/Klaineship)



After dinner was over and the dishes were washed, Blaine settled back in front of the TV with Kurt and his dad - Burt was in the middle again; Blaine didn’t know if it was deliberately to protect Kurt or not, but it still made him feel strange and a little antsy beneath his skin for his place not to be next to Kurt - and turned his attention to the screen, even if he was distracted from the action by how he was thrumming with a mixture of emotions he didn’t know how to name.

He was happy, definitely, because he was in New York with Kurt on Christmas, and they’d skated and sung together. Kurt hadn’t walked away from him like he had at McKinley. Kurt had smiled at him, had hugged him, had let him into his apartment, had let him feel like part of the family with his dad as they’d gotten ready for dinner together almost like they were a couple again and Burt was their guest. He hadn’t even objected to the idea of Blaine applying to NYADA.

The part of Blaine that had been worried that since Kurt had decided not to go home for Christmas he actually _didn’t_ want to see him after all, despite what he’d said on Thanksgiving, was calmed; Kurt wasn’t shutting him out the same way he had at the musical. He was talking to him, meeting his eyes, even touching him now and then. Things were so much better than they had been, and that was a huge weight off of Blaine’s chest.

It wasn’t that simple, though. Blaine was also unsettled and uneasy. This was a whole new world with Kurt, a kind of tentative dance he’d never had to do with him before, because they’d become so close so fast when they’d first met. He’d never had to wonder if he was coming on too strongly or asking too much, he’d never had to worry about making him uncomfortable, because from the first minute Kurt had been open to accepting anything and everything Blaine had to offer. He’d been wide-eyed and open-hearted.

And now he wasn’t. Now Kurt was quiet, slow to smile, and held tightly in. He seemed wary, guarded, and sad, and though Blaine couldn’t blame him it hurt so much to see it directed at him. It hurt to look at Kurt and know in the very depths of his heart that Kurt was _all_ he wanted and for Kurt to look at him, when he did, and clearly be struggling to acknowledge him as a friend instead of someone who had broken his heart.

Blaine wished, not for the first time, that he hadn’t made such a mess of everything between them, because he felt so close and so very far from what he wanted for them both.

“I’m going to make some tea,” Kurt said, folding his magazine and standing up. “Do you want some?”

“I’m good,” Burt said.

“Blaine?” Kurt asked after a moment.

Focusing on what he did have, which was this night, Blaine looked up and met his eyes. “No, but thank you,” he replied, trying a smile.

“Okay.” Kurt smiled back, just a little, like it required an effort, and went over toward the kitchen. Blaine listened to him walk; even his stride, usually bursting with energy, seemed restrained.

If Blaine hadn’t been as sorry as a person could be about what he’d done to Kurt, seeing Kurt look at him that way, like he might be best held at arm’s length, would have made him regret even thinking about someone else.

But Blaine _had_ hurt him, and he was so relieved to have any of Kurt at all again that he couldn’t complain. He might want more, he might be dreaming of future apartments and romantic kisses under mistletoe, but he could and would hold back until Kurt was ready for that, if he ever was. He had his friend back, and that was the most important thing of all. That was almost the best Christmas gift he could ever have asked for.

Blaine reminded himself he’d lost the right to ask for anything more, and he made himself stop listening to Kurt’s soft footsteps across the apartment like a head-over-heels stalker and focused on the game again.

But Kurt didn’t come back. Time passed, shots were made and missed, and Kurt didn’t come back. Blaine glanced over at his empty seat, trying not to fidget next to Burt, and finally fully looked over his shoulder. Kurt wasn’t in the kitchen, either. He wasn’t anywhere visible. Blaine turned back around and flexed his hands in his lap. Maybe he’d gone to the bathroom. He wasn’t going to disappear from his own apartment. This was where he lived. Where else was he going to go? He was probably just in the bathroom.

The seconds turned into minutes as they ticked by, and Kurt still wasn’t back. Blaine couldn’t hear him anywhere, just the sounds of the TV in front of them and the unfamiliar city beyond the windows.

Blaine turned around again to look around the apartment.

“Go ahead,” Burt said mildly.

“I just - “

“Blaine, I didn’t bring you all the way to New York to watch the game with you. You’re good company, and it's been real nice to catch up, but we could’ve done that in Ohio and saved a lot of trouble. Go find him.”

Blaine breathed out a laugh and scrambled to his feet. “Thanks, Burt.”

“Blaine,” Burt said, and Blaine looked over at him. “I brought you here because I think you can help him. If he’ll let let you.”

“I’ll try,” Blaine promised, because he knew Kurt had been through a lot moving to New York and with their break-up and had been hit with even more hard news from his dad, and even if Burt hadn’t asked him to come Blaine would still have wanted to be there for him. He always would.

“I know,” Burt said softly, like he still approved of him despite the horrible mistakes he’d made, and it was with that encouragement in his heart that Blaine went to find Kurt.

The apartment wasn’t large. There wasn’t anywhere to hide. It took Blaine all of twenty seconds to realize that Kurt wasn’t inside at all, but surely Kurt wouldn’t have left without telling them, and they would have had to hear the huge door sliding open.

Then Blaine saw the window out to the fire escape cracked open, and he grabbed his coat and climbed out to join him.

Kurt was sitting on the metal steps of the fire escape, his knees drawn up to his chest with his arms around them but his back straight and his face tightly composed. He glanced over when Blaine came out but didn’t say anything.

The cold winter air had a sharp, damp bite to it, like there might be snow or sleet later, and Blaine drew his shoulders in and clutched his folded coat in his arms as he walked over. “It’s freezing out here,” he said.

“It’s December,” Kurt replied with a faintly bemused lift of his eyebrows. His hands were tucked between his knees, and he was only wearing his sweater. He had to be chilled to the bone.

“Here,” Blaine said, shaking out his coat and draping it carefully around Kurt’s shoulders.

Kurt’s mouth opened in surprise, and it took him a moment before he pulled the coat around himself. “Now you’ll be cold,” he pointed out, but he drew the edges together more snugly and made no move to give it back.

Blaine sat down beside him and did his best not to flinch when he touched the ice cold metal. “I’m fine,” he said. “And you’ve been out here a while. You need it more.” He tried to stop himself from staring too much at the sight of Kurt in his coat, because it felt like it had been forever since Kurt had borrowed anything of his or had even drawn comfort from him. It felt forever since Kurt had let himself be that close. Blaine wanted to sit there and just drink it in, this visible display of how things were slowly mending between them, but he didn’t let himself. He didn’t want to make Kurt feel even more awkward around him.

His breath coming out in a cloud, Kurt turned his face back toward the street and said softly, “I just needed some air.”

The words settled hard into Blaine’s stomach. “Do you want me to leave you alone?” It was hard for him to ask when all he wanted to do was wrap Kurt up in his arms and make everything okay for them both, but he knew it was the right thing to do.

It took Kurt a second, but to Blaine’s relief he said, “No. It’s all right. I know I’m not good company, but you don’t have to leave.”

“Do you want to talk?” Blaine asked, turning toward him on the step.

“I don’t know what to say.” Kurt lowered his head, focused on his hands, looking suddenly small in Blaine’s dark coat. “My dad has cancer.” He breathed out again. “And it’s Christmas.”

Blaine reached out and put a hand on Kurt’s shoulder, bowed but still so strong. He wished yet again he could do more. “It’s going to be okay, Kurt.”

“It feels like every time I get something I want, at the same time I have to lose something I love,” Kurt said, his voice going so very soft and sad. “I got a family in Carole and Finn and lost my home at McKinley. I got to move to New York and lost you. I got into NYADA and am going to lose my dad...”

Blaine squeezed his shoulder and leaned in, his heart leaping and hurting all at once at the mention of himself. “You’re not going to lose your dad. I don’t know what he told you, but after he told me I did a lot of googling about prostate cancer, and - ”

“If it’s not this, it’ll be something else.” Kurt drew himself up again. “He won’t always be here. I’ve always known that. It’s been my greatest fear since my mother died, losing him. He was all I had for so long. And his heart attack and now having cancer, me being here for Thanksgiving and almost alone for Christmas, too... it’s all a reminder that he’s not going to be here for everything in my life. He just isn’t.” His eyes shone with unshed tears as he looked out into the night.

“I can’t promise he will be,” Blaine told him, hurting so much for him, because he knew how important Kurt’s father was to him. “I wish I could. But I can promise you won’t be alone, Kurt.”

Kurt shook his head, not reacting as Blaine rubbed his shoulder a little and tried not to listen to the way his heart pounded at being able to touch Kurt again, even such a sweet little touch, when Kurt had been his to hold for so long and then _wasn’t_ anymore. “In my dreams of New York, of this incredible life here I’m trying to have, I never thought I’d be on my own,” Kurt said with quiet resignation. “But reality is different.”

“I will always be here for you,” Blaine promised, and Kurt looked over at him, meeting his eyes in surprise at the fervor in his voice. “I know you’re not - No matter what, if you want me to be, I will always be your friend. You won’t be alone. You’ll have me.”

Kurt searched his eyes for a long moment, then slipped a hand out of the cocoon of Blaine’s coat and laid it over Blaine’s on his shoulder for just a few seconds. “Thank you,” he said. “You’ll have me, too. I don’t want to lose you.” He looked so sad, so tired, so worn thin and hurt as he said it, and he pulled his hand back as soon as the words were out of his mouth, but it was still a promise that Blaine knew he could hold onto. He could still hold onto Kurt, and it felt so _good_ to be sure of it when he now knew so clearly how awful it was to be totally cut off from him.

But he wasn’t. Not anymore. It might be awkward still, their gestures of friendship might be strained, but it wasn’t over.

Oh, god, it wasn’t over.

“I’ve really missed you,” Blaine said, barely louder than a breath, and he blinked fast to try to keep his tears of relief in check, because Kurt was next to him, Kurt was touching him, Kurt was going to keep being his friend, Kurt truly _wanted_ to, and even though Blaine’s heart was absolutely singing with how much he loved this amazing person and aching that he couldn’t have him, he had missed him so much that he couldn’t help but be thrilled to be there with him at all.

Kurt’s face pinched with emotion he was clearly trying to hold inside, and Blaine hated that Kurt needed to hold back with him at all. Still, his heart soared when Kurt said, “I’ve missed you, too, Blaine. I don’t know what my dad was thinking asking you to leave your family, but thank you for coming for Christmas.”

“I was happy to,” Blaine told him, and it wasn’t just because he liked Kurt’s family so much more than his own and had felt like he was in one of his best daydreams getting to set the table here with Kurt for Burt. “I wanted to see you, and when he told me the news... I thought you might like the support.”

Kurt nodded, his mouth twisting.

“And when I get home, I’ll look out for him,” Blaine said. “I’ll check in at the house. I’ll ask Carole for updates, too, in case your dad is holding back. I’ll help out if they need me. I’ll report back to you, okay?”

Kurt nodded again. “Thank you.”

“Does that help at all?” Blaine asked after the sounds of the city filled another moment of silence between them, honking cars and odd bursts of music, all so unfamiliar to Blaine but by now normal to Kurt. It was strange to think that there were things so common in Kurt’s life that Blaine didn’t know as well; their experiences had been intertwined for so long.

Drawing in a slow breath and pulling Blaine’s coat closer around him with his long fingers that Blaine knew so well, Kurt said, “It does help. I’m sorry if I’m not doing this very well. This just isn’t how I thought I’d see you again.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Blaine said quickly, drawing back a little at the fatigue in Kurt’s voice, like it was all too much for him. A chilly gust of wind cut through to Blaine's skin, and he tucked his legs up closer to his body. “If you want, I can - “

“I don’t want you to leave, Blaine,” Kurt told him, and there was nothing Blaine could doubt in his face. “That’s not what I mean. I just thought... I had a plan. I know we need to talk. There's so much we have to talk about. About us, about what happened, about how we’re feeling, about what we want, and I...” He shook his head helplessly. “There is so much to say, and I know it’s important, but my dad..."

“Kurt,” Blaine said softly. “We don’t have to talk tonight if you don’t want to. It’s Christmas. We can just enjoy it.”

Kurt closed his eyes for a second and then nodded. “But we still need to talk.”

“I know,” Blaine said, and the weight of that knowledge settled on his chest, because as much as he was overjoyed to have had this time with Kurt, this wonderful time that was so much like the dreams of the future they’d spun out over countless soft pretzels or Broadway soundtracks in Lima, it was far from the reality they’d both imagined. The shadow of Blaine’s actions and how they’d torn them apart was there, too, inescapable. They weren’t together. There would be no kissing under the mistletoe or going to sleep snuggled up together in Kurt’s New York bed. There was still distance between them that Blaine having traveled hundreds of miles to Kurt’s side couldn’t bridge. There were still walls that singing together couldn’t tear down. There were still hurts that at least in Kurt’s heart were not healed.

Blaine accepted it, and he would do anything Kurt wanted to fix things between them, but as he watched Kurt’s face lit by the street around them and the twinkling lights in neighbors’ windows he wished with all of his heart everything was fixed already. He wanted to lean over and kiss him. He wanted Kurt to smile at him the warm way he always had. He wanted Kurt to reach out and hold his hand. But to get there they’d have to talk.

“We will, Kurt,” Blaine promised him, “but it doesn’t have to be tonight. Between the news about your dad and the holiday, I understand if you don’t feel up to it.”

Kurt nodded again. “Even if he's right and he’ll be fine, it’s a lot to deal with.” He swallowed and met Blaine’s eyes again, tentatively showing his gratitude. “It means a lot that you came because of him.”

“I didn’t come because of him,” Blaine said simply, his heart on his sleeve as it always was when it came to Kurt. “I came because of you.”

Kurt’s eyes softened and began to shine with tears again before his jaw tightened, and he looked away. “I wish things were easier,” he said, so very quiet.

“I know,” Blaine said, ducking his head but unable to tear his eyes away. He hated that he was the one who had made Kurt so unhappy, but he still couldn’t look away from him. He was so handsome, so familiarly Kurt, so distant all at once. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Kurt breathed in and pulled himself up straighter. He drew the coat more tightly around himself, and Blaine wasn’t sure if it was to protect himself from the cold or from his feelings. “I know you are.”

Blaine nodded, because he couldn’t expect anything better than that. Kurt had accepted him into his home, he had given Blaine his nod of approval to applying to NYADA and staying in his life, and next year they’d be in a different place. A better one, Blaine hoped, maybe one where all of the quiet promise of this Christmas would come to fruition.

“We should go in,” Kurt said after a minute. “My dad’s all alone in there. I think we have a deck of cards somewhere. I’d pull out Scattergories, but you know how much he hates it. He’d complain all night. But if we’re just going to sit and watch TV, you could’ve stayed in Ohio.”

Blaine had to laugh, just a little. “That’s what your dad said.”

Kurt smiled, faint but genuine, and stood up. “Although that would have deprived you two of your little bet.”

“It would have deprived me of a lot more than that,” Blaine told him softly.

Kurt looked down at him, just taking him in for a minute, and he tipped his head to the side in a sign Blaine knew was agreement. “It’s been a surprisingly good holiday,” Kurt said. “Even if I don’t have a present for you.”

“Next year,” Blaine promised, and Kurt paused, some of the tension easing in his body before he smiled a little more.

“Next year.”

Blaine chafed his hands together as he got to his feet, trying not to look as cold as he felt, though the tip of his nose was numb and his teeth were threatening to chatter. "Besides, we got our duet, ice skating, and hot chocolate together. That’s more of a gift than I expected.”

Kurt looked him over from head to toe and fondly rolled his eyes. “And you apparently also got frostbite.” He swung Blaine’s coat off of his own shoulders and tucked it with a careful touch around Blaine. It was delightfully warm from his body, and the heat and smell of Kurt all around him made Blaine’s world twist and spin. It was almost like being wrapped up in Kurt again, and with Kurt so close in front of him, too, caring and concerned, for a minute Blaine could forget all that kept them apart and could remember what it felt like for them to be bound together the way they should have been.

It felt so right between them. Everything he wanted was right there in front of him in Kurt. Everything he wanted was the love and attention Kurt had offered him for so long, his bright laughter, his sharp mind, his intense passion for life. It was all right there, and for a moment Blaine could feel it all around him like it used to be, something so sure and strong he’d almost taken it for granted.

But then Kurt stepped back from him, his hands sliding away, and the spell broke, the new walls between them rising once more. There would be no possessive adjusting of Blaine’s collar or smoothing of his hair, no quick kiss or soft ‘I love you’ before they headed inside. Not tonight.

Blaine looked away, disoriented and disheartened, but he forced himself to smile as he walked back to the window. It was going to take time for Kurt to get back to where they used to be. He knew that. He could wait. He could long and hope and dream and wait, because when Kurt let himself forgive Blaine it would be worth every difficult minute to have gotten there again. And then Blaine would never let himself lose Kurt again, because he knew exactly what it meant and exactly how stupid he had been to find himself in this position at all when Kurt was the best thing in his world.

He held his Kurt-warmed coat around him and went inside. There was no reason to prolong the time alone, after all, not tonight.

Blaine turned back automatically as soon as he was in the apartment, and when Kurt ducked through the window after him and saw Blaine’s extended hand, he only paused for a moment before taking it and allowing Blaine to help him down. His fingers didn’t linger in Blaine’s, but he still accepted the help.

Blaine’s melancholy smile turned more genuine as he followed Kurt back toward his dad, because he knew that gesture meant that Kurt _was_ thawing, and maybe this distance between them wouldn’t be forever.

Kurt didn’t want it to be forever, either. He was saying it, and he was acting that way, too.

Taking his place next to Kurt at the kitchen table as Kurt got out the cards and his dad grumbled good-naturedly about missing the end of the game, Blaine looked around him at the cozy apartment, at this comfortable family around him that he knew so well, and had to feel hopeful. He loved Kurt. Kurt loved him, too. And even if things were hard now, even if they had some difficult talking and healing ahead, it wasn’t always going to be this way.

It was going to be different. Better. So much of it required Blaine to wait and see what Kurt was willing to do, but he wasn’t going to be shut out anymore. He was being let back in.

Blaine slid his chair forward, just a little closer to the table, because he could.

“All right,” Burt said, starting to shuffle. “Even if we’re here, we’re still playing with Hummel household rules. No cheating, no counting, no elbow-jabbing. Talking smack is optional but encouraged.”

“This _is_ a Hummel household, Dad,” Kurt said. “Although Rachel and I have added our own rule that the winner may sing a song of his or her own choosing.”

“Yeah, we’ll call that the New York variation,” Burt said with a bemused shake of his head. “And I’ll get some Mellencamp ready when I wipe the floor with you both.”

Smiling to himself, Blaine gathered up his cards and held his breath for a moment, trying to keep his heart inside. He was so _happy_ to be there, so grateful, and yet so full of aching wishes that things were resolved instead of hanging silently over their heads, kept at bay but not gone.

But still, he was here, welcomed and wanted by both Kurt and his father. It was so close to what he wanted, so very close.

“I am proposing an amendment to the New York Hummel household rules to include a moratorium on John Cougar Mellencamp,” Kurt announced.

“Rachel isn’t here,” Burt told him. “You’ll be outvoted two-to-one.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure Blaine will vote with me,” Kurt said, glancing over at Blaine.

“I don’t know, kid; he’s got to fly home with _me_ ,” Burt replied. “Blaine?”

Blaine was frozen for a moment between the insistent glares of the two Hummel men, but his answer would have been clear even if he weren’t trying to win Kurt back. “Sorry, Burt,” he said as kindly as he could; he did actually have to travel with him, after all.

“Should’ve known,” Burt muttered with a laugh.

“That one was obvious, Dad,” Kurt told him, shooting Blaine a triumphant look of approval.

Burt reseated his hat on his head. “Guess it was. Now stop stalling and let’s play. I’ve got plenty of other songs you’ll hate me singing.”

“And I have all of _Phantom_ memorized,” Kurt said, laying out his first card in challenge.

“He does,” Blaine agreed, and part of him wondered if he should throw the game just to be able to hear him sing it.

“If you singing was a threat, I’d’ve given up a long time ago, Kurt,” Burt said. “Now play the damn game.”

As he sorted his hand, Blaine couldn’t help but caught up in the banter and the way it made his heart swell in his chest. It felt so good to be there. It felt so right.

He pulled out his first card and happily let himself hope and dream of a future where next year this chair at the table and this place in Kurt’s life and family would be his for good.

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder: I am spoiler-free! Please don't say anything about what might be coming ahead!


End file.
